I’m in the feels–obviously bc of a boy–but actually not bc I’m genuinely upset, but bc he ended things and even though I didn’t like him that much, that rejection still puts you in feels and I want to use that to write since that’s usually when I produce the best writing/ideas.
So there’s three things that I want to write about and catch up on:
1) How I met this guy, just cuz it’s a fantastic story.
2) How I keep going for “safe” guys that I don’t even really like all that much so I won’t get hurt and then I get rejected anyway, which means rejection from a guy you don’t even like which sucks but also that I can’t even get myself to go for guys and open up to ones I really like. The reason I keep getting rejected seems to be because I’m not clicking with these men I think will be “safe” and I think it’s because I’m not myself with them. I need to go for a guy I REALLY like again and just take that risk in order to assess the difference. (<-kind of just laid all my ideas already here.)
3. Listening to two songs habitually recently: The Other Side of Paradise by Glass Animals and American Money by Borns which mentions paradise in their song. This past year the words “paradise” and “utopia” have repeatedly come up in my life and I think it’s a sign that I haven’t found my own paradise of life yet, which I keep searching to be determined by others when I need to determine what I would consider my life to be a paradise. I am far too content with the way my life is even though there are so many things I would rather be doing to make my life better, yet I do nothing to change it. I know this is significantly due to the busy schedule of grad school and choosing friendships instead of doing things I like but there’s no reason I can’t do both. I NEED to focus more on myself and stop keeping myself distracted from just being alone with myself. I spend my life way too entertained by others (television, friends). Although these are great things, I want to become the person I envision myself to be, the way I set my standards for a guy but can’t live to my own expectations. Here’s a list of some things I wish I’d do more.
a. get to bed earlier, sleep more, rise earlier so I have mornings to myself.
b. run again (hopefully when I way less so my knees don’t hurt.
c. dance/choreograph stuff. record myself.
d. play tennis again.
e. read for fun more, especially at night.
f. complete more creative projects (painting, DIY, teaching related, duolingo, write).
g. begin doing yoga.
h. eat really clean so I (hopefully) live longer and disease-free.
i. save going out to eat money for weekend activities like bowling, road trips, hiking, etc.
j. get into beauty routines: washing face, lotioning, brushing/straightening hair, doing light makeup in the morning, brushing teeth night and day, flossing every night.
As you can tell, I didn’t really want to talk about the guy that much bc he really was whatever, but every time things end between me and a guy I get these feelings I’ve just written about, yet over time they slowly mellow out. I want to make REAL changes.
this summer, I’m going to buy a journal that gives 1 page for every day of the year, starting when school starts. For each day I will write one objective of the day. I must complete this objective that day. Then, I have one page to write about that day.
GO.
İ know İ haven’t written in here for a while but for some reason İ’ve had a busy summer and had trouble accessing internet.
İ feel as if my life is so much more stressful than most of the people around me. İt’s not like İ have ever had to make any really life-altering decisions (like leaving a loved one for work), but my life always seems to have these kinks that İ need to work out and get the approval of others from. İ can’t just simply be accepted. Maybe İ bring it upon myself, maybe not.
Recently İ have felt as if İ have gone through a more thorough search than a full body scan they have done at airports where they see you naked. The university that is accepting me for upper-division transfer has had so many complications and İ am up to my ears in rage. İ’m not going to get much into it, but İ am eagerly awaiting for all of this to be over (even though İ’m sure as soon as this difficulty is over, another one will pop up in my life somewhere.)
İ read my last three posts that İ wrote and fell in love with this line, as İ had when İ wrote it, “This loneliness has chipped away at me for so long and I need to quit letting it control my life.” İt is such an accurate description of what is and has been going on. İ’m not one of those people who believes in the phrase that love will find you since İ believe that we must work for and earn everything in our life but İ do believe it in the sense that İ need to stop being to desperate. İ need to stop settling and stop trying so hard all at the same time. İt’s interesting because this phrase has been repeated to me by complete people in the past few weeks, “Know your worth.” İ have enjoyed this summer as things have been clearer to me and İ feel as if İ have greatly learned and matured my sophomore year, especially towards the end. İ may now envision what İ need to do with myself and how İ need to start behaving. Hopefully İ can follow through with both of those.
As it comes to school, İ need to seriously work on my determination. İ know that İ have the capacity for it since İ times İ can work so hard for things once İ get in the spirit of it. This leads me to my time management. Now at the university, İ will be forced to give up even more time with friends, and also focus hard on starting things earlier. This year’s resolution should be to stop procrastinating studying. İ need to pull a Rory. When İ am in doubt, İ should come back and read this.
Alright, it’s very late here so İ’m going to try to head to bed. Good Night.
1. I’m at the age and weight where most girls either decide enough is enough and lose the weight or just accept themselves for who they are and commit to eating and living their life that way. I have still not made up my mind so I am stuck in that in between weight where I’m not fat enough to get with men who want to love me just for me but not hot enough to attract the shallow ones.
2. Anal. I was with a guy recently and asked him if he had ever done anal with a girl and he said he had with his girlfriend when they were 15. I was like FIFTEEN? What FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL goes PAST losing the virginity and is like, “Let’s go all out, let’s discover all my crevices.” Meanwhile the first time I saw a penis was at 16, a year after her two-hole enlightenment, and I told my boyfriend after six months that I would be willing to give him a hand job and he took his dick out, I saw it and said nevermind and we didn’t try again until a year later. Like that’s how much a penis scared me. I just saw the thing and was like “nah I’m good, let’s just get back to you only touching me.” Isn’t that crazy that at 16 I had more sexual power than I feel I do as a 26 year old woman? Now I can barely hold out five dates before I’m like “fuck if I don’t fuck him he’s going to move on to all these other girls who fuck on the fourth date. Anyway, that was a tangent. Back to the fifteen year old girl. So he tells me she’s fifteen and after my initial shock I’m like who would do that? So my mind immediately goes to stereotypes of young girls who do anal and who do I think? Yep, catholic school girls. Cause that makes sense right? This stereotype is so odd but as many of us have heard, catholic girls, who are the real troopers here because that is a intense devotion to two things: God and having sex which you might have thought is a binary but they have connected the two. These girls have sex in the ass because the Bible told them not to lose their virginity but lucky for them did not specify the anal virginity so it’s all good in the hood for God in terms of anal. #logic. I swear girls who apply this kind of logic to anal sex is like Henry VIII logic with divorce. Well if this woman won’t produce me an heir then I shall behead her and divorce her and marry a new woman that will. (might need to fix this analogy)
That’s the name of a Shins song.
When I think about caring, it’s actually something quite difficult.
What makes us decide to care about someone? What makes us decide to give a shit about their life?
And then, there’s the terrible feeling of feeling not cared for. That’s the worst feeling of all.
Everyone always goes on and on about love. I think the ultimate emotion is caring. Whether it’s about family, friends, or a significant other.
I just hope that everyone in the world is not too self-absorbed to forget to care about the ones they love. It’s an important task. To give and take.
Here’s my vow, to caring.
It’s funny people will always think of you based on their judgment, never realizing there’s a lot more to a person than one perceives…
that Mark noticed more about me than any other guy I’ve ever dated in my entire life, and then had the courage to tell me.
Fuck the people I end up talking to.
They’re all a bunch of dipshits and morons.
Not even worth it.
Reading back to our conversations really makes me miss Mark. And not what we mainly talked about but him. I wish we had stayed friends….
“you have to start pumping out the trash before you even get to the good stuff. ALWAYS WRITE! ALWAYS CREATE! Everything you do will be better than the last!”
